Of Heroes and Traitors
by Ms. Severus Snape
Summary: Severus was always a quiet boy, kept his feelings deeply burried. To him, anyone who showed emotions wore their heart on their sleave. And to him, this was foolish. SeverusRemus
1. Chapter 1

Of Heroes and Traitors

Chapter 1

Severus Snape sat at the Slytherin table, absentmindedly nudging his food around on his plate with a fork. He didn't really feel like eating, even though his stomach felt uncomfortably empty. It was Christmas day, most of the students had returned home for the holidays. However, this wasn't the reason he sat alone. Just days before Severus had made the long trip home like the others, only to return to the school a day later. The students that remained at Hogwarts must have heard the horrifying rumours about his return and decided to leave him be. Realising that attempting to eat was a pointless task, he stood up from the table and made his way out onto the grounds. Winter meant the weather was cold, dull and miserable. It was cold enough for snow but none had fallen. As he stepped outside a rush of icy wind nearly pushed him off his feet. Leaning forward slightly, he braced himself against it and began to trudge slowly onwards.

The air stung his chest, feeling as if it was taking small sharp bites out of his lungs every time he inhaled. A thin layer of fog was beginning to cloud the air as he walked down to the lake. Upon reaching it, he slumped himself down lazily, his back resting against a tree. Severus cursed as the sensation of small cold bumps crept over his skin; he wished he had dressed warmer. He wrapped his arms around himself and stared fixatedly at the dusty ground before him. He cursed again before feeling about his robes for his wand. He drew it out and pointed it at a nearby tree stump.

"Incendio," he muttered, as flames leapt up, swallowing the tree stump in its warm orange glow. Turning to it, he stretched out his arms to warm his hands. He watched as the flames licked slowly at the wood and tried his best to force any memory of his home from his head. His state of mind as of late was too fragile for thoughts of that nature. In order to clear his head, he decided that when he got back to his dormitory he'd write to his mother, which surely would stop him recalling the events of his visit. Then, maybe, he could go back to sleeping peacefully. The nightmares he'd been having the past few nights seemed to be taking their toll on his sanity.

"Severus?" The sudden voice startled him, making his head whip around to seek out the intruder that broke him from his reverie. Severus blinked a few times before he could register who was talking to him. Remus Lupin stood looking down at him with one eyebrow slightly raised. He was a skinny boy with soft features and tawny hair, which he sometimes had to flick it out of the way as it fell over his eyes. Severus assumed the boy found it irritating but liked it that length all the same.

"Aren't you cold Severus?"

"Absolutely freezing," he grumbled and gestured to the fire. He clearly had been here for quite some time, as the fire was almost out. Remus sat himself down a few feet in front of him, putting his stuff down and sighing to himself.

"You don't mind me joining you do you?" Remus asked sheepishly. His tone made Severus question his intentions.

"Not at all. I do understand the need for company at this time of year, despite what others may say." Remus winced at these words. He clearly had been informed of Severus' morose mood and had been intending to tip-toe around it.

"Don't look so tense, Lupin. Did you seriously think that I did not realise people were discussing my personal life behind my back?"

"I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I didn't want to seem like-"

"Out of interest," Severus began, cutting him off. "What is everyone saying about me? Surely nothing worse than...the usual." Remus tensed up, scared he provoke an angry outburst from Severus. There was a brief silence when neither of them spoke, just listened to the fire crackle and burnt out.

"They're saying you were unhappy at home so you came back. But nobody really knows why."

Severus' eyes scanned the other boy's face. He was telling the truth, that much was obvious. They didn't know anything more. All they knew was that he wasn't happy at home. Severus considered this to be a ridiculous understatement, but he was glad nothing more was being discussed so he simply nodded.

"I've got something for you." Remus reached into his messenger bag that was on the ground beside him and hastily pulled out a book. Severus watched, eyes wide, as the boy held it towards him. He stared, fearing that it was some kind of joke. He was frightened that if he tried to take it Remus would pull it out of his reach, leaving him empty handed. It was years of bullying that had left Severus so paranoid. He worried that he'd be ridiculed if he responded to kindness. This was how he had slowly learnt to put up a cold stone barrier when around others, a barrier that held his emotions captive against their own will. Severus had never received a gift in his life and was now overwhelmingly confused as to why Remus Lupin would be doing so. They weren't friends; they didn't know a great deal about each other; in fact Remus' three best friends taunted Severus every time they laid eyes on him.

"Take it. It's not much. I was going to give it to somebody else, but it seemed more...you." Risking the small amount of pride he had left, Severus reached forward and took the book with ease from Remus' grip. Feeling slightly more comfortable, he allowed himself to look at the gift. It had a thick black leather cover, and a green snake down the spine of the book. It was clearly intended to be a diary as the pages were blank except for the date in the top right corner of every page.

"You like it?" Severus nodded in reply, a little speechless. He loved it. He looked up at Remus and gave him a sceptical stare.

"Do you mind me asking why?"

"Why did I give it to you, you mean? I thought you'd make better use of it than the person I had intended to give it to... I've been trying to get Sirius to take notes in class for years and failed, so why should he listen now in his final year?" Severus suppressed a growl that almost escaped his lips when he heard the name that he detested beyond belief.

"Thank you," he said, biting back any emotion that was attempting to seep out into his voice. He looked everywhere but at Remus, trying to avoid his piercing gaze. His eyes eventually fell on the horizon when he realised something.

"Shouldn't you...be somewhere?" he asked gently. "The moon isn't exactly in your favour tonight." Having found out in his sixth year that Remus was a werewolf he'd gotten used to it and had even privately made a note of when the full moon would occur each month.

"Oh," Remus exclaimed jumping to his feet. "I was on my way there before I saw you. I only intended to stay for a minute and I lost track of time." Severus pushed himself up off the ground and stopped himself from smiling, he could see the boy was trying to justify himself.

"I best be off... Get back to your dorm soon; it's too cold to be sat out here." With that they turned and headed their separate ways, Remus towards the Whomping Willow and Severus towards the school. Severus clutched the book tightly to his chest and was about to break into a run when he heard something.

"Snape." He turned around upon hearing the other boy shouting. Remus stood in the distance waving at him. "Merry Christmas." Severus was glad they were stood so far apart; otherwise Remus would have seen the huge grin spreading across his face.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Nobody could deny that Severus looked positively livid as he walked down the corridor, the normal elegant sweep of his cloak abandoned for a furious stride. Each step was filled with haste and anger. He felt like he would explode if anyone were to interrupt him on his journey. His hair bounced on his shoulders and around his face. His normally pale cheeks were bright red and his robes whipped around his ankles wildly. This was a look Severus possessed every so often, usually caused by the foolishness of another student. Just moments ago a third year had been practicing a spell that had backfired onto his onlookers. Severus was unfortunate enough to have been included, and now his arms, face and chest were covered in what appeared to be a red, itchy rash. None of Severus' spells or potions could remedy this problem, and that is why he was pushing open the door to the Infirmary.

He strode past the beds, averting his eyes from the one other patient until whoever it was became a dull blur in the corner of his gaze. He pushed the office door with his palm. It flew open and violently slammed into the opposite wall. Madam Pomfrey almost fell off her chair with the shock of the abrupt entrance and was now holding onto the edge of the desk for support.

"Severus Snape," she screeched. "When will you ever learn to knock?"

"Sorry, but I have tried everything I could think of and it is still there." Severus rolled up the sleeves of his robes as she stepped towards him to inspect the red marks that now looked sore and weepy. She grimaced slightly and made a clicking noise with her tongue. She made more disapproving noises as she grabbed at his other hand. She turned his wrist over and ran her fingers along the inside of his forearm. Severus resisted the urge to pull it away. He was not used to being touched, and this ticklish sensation was all too overwhelming.

"Does it hurt?"

"A little," he said attempting to keep his voice level and calm.

"I see," she said, dropping his arm suddenly. He bit back a yelp as his arm swung down and pain shot right through to his elbow. He settled for pulling a mocking face behind her back as she turned to the shelf. He continued to do so until she turned around, clutching a small yellow vial. He wasted no time taking it off her hands.

"Take some of that and it will be gone before you know it." But Severus had already poured the content into his mouth and was beginning to retch. It tasted foul; it was slimy and hard to swallow. It was almost like he was trying to swallow a stick of butter. He wrinkled his nose as the last of the offensive liquid slowly slid down his throat. He placed the empty vial on the desk and turned to leave the room.

"As grateful as ever I see," she called after him, but he wasn't listening.

He had frozen in the doorway. The other patient who had been in the bed was Remus Lupin, who was now sitting up in bed staring at him. Severus cleared his throat and slowly approached the bed, trying to calm himself from his previous rage. He cursed himself for forgetting last night and the possibility that he could be here recovering from the transformation. It hadn't even crossed his mind that the other patient could possibly have been Remus. He stood beside the bed. Remus looked exhausted. His eyelids were heavy and his complexion was pale. His tawny hair was sticking to his forehead with sweat. Last night's transformation clearly had not gone well.

"I did not see you when I came in."

"That is quite alright Severus. By the looks of things you had much more pressing matters to attend to." Remus gave him a lop-sided smile before gesturing to the chair beside his bed. Severus sunk into it deeply with a sigh.

"But that appears to have subsided now." Remus was looking at the small part of Severus' wrist, which was exposed by his robes. The rash had gone and for that much he was pleased. There were a few seconds of silence where Severus' mind slipped back to the events of last night.

"Lupin, I-"

"Please call me Remus." He felt a small twinge in his stomach at being granted permission to call him by his first name, but did not let it show.

"Very well, Remus. I would like to thank you again… For the gift."

"That is alright, as long as it is to your taste."

"It is, which is strange. Lucius does not even know what I like."

"And you would expect him to?" Remus' eyebrows were raised. "He does not seem to care much for anyone but himself." Remus was right yet again. Although Lucius and Severus had been 'friends' for years, Lucius still remained conceited and self obsessed. There were certain parts of Severus that admired Lucius but there was also a very large part of him that despised his ways.

"Even so," Severus began, "I thank you all the same. I would not have expected you of all people to get me anything."

"You seem to be forgetting I do not treat you like the rest of my friends do." Remus did not treat him like Sirius, James and Peter did. Those three boys, his _friends_, would do anything in their power to make Severus' life a living hell. They would bully and ridicule him right up until the moment he fell asleep at night. Severus was never particularly pleasant to them, but would never go out of his way to make them miserable. Even Lily had been his friend up until last year. He had said some things he did not mean and ever since then her and James Potter had been inseparable. Severus loved her so much. She was the only one to show him kindness. He loved her like a younger sister. She, like Remus, was too good for those three. Remus was certainly not like his friends; he was simply an onlooker, too afraid to speak out.

"But you never do anything about it either, and you are a prefect." Remus lowered his eyes to his lap, clearly laden with guilty and embarrassment.

"I'm sorry."

"I don't suppose they would pay much attention to your protests anyway," Severus said, hoping to not make the other boy feel awkward.

"Severus… When I get out of here tomorrow do you want to do something?" Remus mumbled nervously.

"Tomorrow? To do what?" Severus considered the other boy's body language from his chair, scanning his face thoroughly. He wondered if this was one of their tricks but quickly reminded himself that the rest of his group were not at school at the present time. His mind was reeling with questions about these sudden acts of kindness. He did not know what to think and his usual paranoid approach to these situations were clearly becoming more apparent to Remus.

"Well since there are not many students here and the rest will not be back for a few days, there is not much company around here."

"Do I seem like the type of person to worry about companionship?" These words looked like they had wounded Remus as he again looked down, trying to hide from Severus' questioning glare.

"I-I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a walk, or play Wizards Chess with me… Or we could do something else if you wanted." He was timid and gentle as always but his cheeks were tinged red with embarrassment. His eyes were still looking down, refusing to meet Severus'.

"Well," Severus said standing up, "If you require my company, I am sure I can spend a few minutes of my time." Remus blinked at him, clearly just as confused as he was, but Severus just kept his cold approach to the request.

"I will see you tomorrow, Remus. In the Great Hall. Two o'clock. Do not be late."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Over the last few days Severus had started to enjoy the time he spent with Remus Lupin. The first couple of minutes were awkward but that was to be expected, however, each day he felt more more comfortable than the last. Even after five minutes in his company Severus realised that Remus was not like his three best friends. Each day he found himself idly trying to pass the time until he could go and meet the other boy. They'd meet only for an hour but Severus didn't want to waste a second of it. He would hang onto his every word and soak up any piece of new information possible. He could have conversations with Remus that he could never have with Lucius.

Lucius would get bored and drift onto subjects he found more interesting, such as himself. He would often do that, thinking Severus found it interesting. And whenever that would fail Lucius would settle for flirting with him. It made Severus feel slightly used but he had in fact grown used to being Lucius' dirty little secret. Narcissa could never know, nobody could. There were just some things that people shouldn't talk about and this was one of them. He knew he and Lucius could never really have a normal friendship and settled for what they did have. Severus could only dream of talking with somebody about things he found interesting. And with Remus he could, he would listen to him and talk about things Lucius would overlook.

Severus liked the fact that Remus was intelligent yet capable of a good sense of humour. Right now for example, Severus was sat eating breakfast and was attempting to bite back a laugh as he recalled a joke the two had shared yesterday. He glanced up towards the Grryfindor table and saw Remus smiling back at him. Severus gave a small nod in response intending to mean 'good morning'. He returned his attention to his food but it didn't look at all appealing. Severus never ate much at breakfast lately, or at any other meal. It wasn't due to loss of appetite but simply because he was thinking too many things at once to concentrate on such mundane things such as eating. His mind was swimming with things he wanted to know about Remus. He had so many questions. None of them really needed to be answered it was just to feed his curiosity. He didn't want to scare Remus, he just wanted to know more about him. Severus wondered if they had finally crossed the barrier between acquaintance and friend.

He flicked his gaze quickly over to Remus again. This time he wasn't looking back, he was too busy hunched over his plate and shovelling bacon into his mouth. This made Severus smile, he enjoyed observing people's mannerisms. It could tell somebody a lot about another person if they knew what to look for. For instance; the haste in which he ate and how he was hunched over his food as if he was protecting it could mean two things. One simply might be a trait of the Wolf but Severus amused himself further with the possibility that Remus had an older brother. Severus could entertain himself by analysing people like this for hours and come up with various ideas. Over the years practise had paid off meaning he was usually correct in his guesses.

An envelope landed onto Severus' plate suddenly making him jump. He looked up and saw an owl fly and then drop mail in front of another student. Severus picked up the envelope and frowned, recognising the handwriting on the front. He grumbled as he tore it open and he read it to himself quietly.

_Happy Birthday Severus._

_I hope all is going well with your studies and you had a good Christmas._

_I've been approached about becoming a future school governor,_

_ a__long with that, __I have some other news that may be of great interest to you._

_If I'm correct, the other students should be arriving back tonight s__o I expect to see you in Hogsmeade this weekend._

_We have much to discuss,_

_Lucius._

Severus growled to himself and tapped the letter with his wand setting it on fire.

He had forgot it was birthday today and that the other students were coming back. He didn't like the thought of this quiet life he was experiencing suddenly being destroyed by the likes of Potter, Black and Pettigrew. Even one more day of peace would have been a blessing. Severus imagined what it would be like if the three of them returned totally changed, or even better, if they did not return at all. He wished they wouldn't, they might have thought up lots of new ways to publicly torture and humiliate him. The very thought of that made him shudder. There was a small part of him clinging onto hope that Remus would tell them to leave him alone, to tell them he enjoyed spending time with him. But now as Severus looked over to the other table and found Remus gone he new it was silly to think such things. Remus was supposed to wait for him here after breakfast so they could walk down to the lake. He knew Remus couldn't have forgotten so he sat and thought of possible reasons why he left.

He slammed his elbows onto the table and buried his face into his hands, contemplating whether he should stay or leave now to save himself from the embarrassment. Severus loathed public humiliation, mainly he loathed looking weak or relying on somebody else.

He waited for an hour making up excuse after excuse for Remus' absence. And when he realised each one was more ridiculous the last he finally gave up. But he couldn't help wondering if this is how it was going to be from now on.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The pure white snow crunched and crumbled beneath Severus' footsteps, his boots tainting it's angelic colour with mud as he made his way through the streets of Hogsmeade. He had watched the snow fall from his dormitory window the night before and had made a note to wear more layers of clothing than he had intended. But even now it was still cold as Severus was pulling his robes tightly around his chest. Wisps of his long black hair whipped his cold cheeks like ropes and he was thankful when he finally stepped into the warmth of the Three Broomsticks.

There was a very large man standing behind the bar who was chuckling along with a customer, who was laughing so hard that he spluttered his drink all over himself. Severus grimaced and looked around at the other people in the pub, all were equally as disgusting as the two men at the bar. A man to Severus' right flashed him a toothless grin as he tapped the seat beside him. Severus shook his head and tried to look as polite as possible.

"Good afternoon Severus." Severus let out a sigh of relief as he turned to see the man he had been looking for. Lucius Malfoy was not like any of the men in the pub, he took great pride in his appearance and was dressed in the finest money could buy. "I hope you have not been waiting too long. I had things that needed to be discussed with Narcissa. Thankfully, I talked her out of joining us."

Lucius went to sit at the table in the far corner and Severus, well accustomed to these meetings, knew that he was to mirror these actions. He sat opposite Lucius, watching him take off his cloak and set it down on the table. He couldn't help but notice Lucius swayed slightly as he tried to get comfortable.

"How have you been?" Severus asked nervously.

"All is well, but the usual business is a little stressful."

"And how is Narcissa?"

"If you mean why was she eager to accompany me then let me tell you now," Lucius paused and grinned evilly at him. "You have nothing to worry about."

"That is not what I meant."

"Severus, you know better than to justify yourself in front of me. It is highly unbecoming."

"I am sorry Lucius," he mumbled, knowing he was to play by Lucius' rules. Lucius stood and went to the bar, leaving Severus to shift uncomfortably in his seat. Lucius returned with a bottle of Firewhiskey and two glasses. As he watched Lucius pour out their drinks it appeared that he was already drunk. Severus raised his glass to his lips and sipped at it slowly. He observed Lucius over the top of his glass, holding back his surprise as he drained his glass quickly and began to pour another. This was very unlike him, he usually paced himself. Severus watched silently for several minutes as Lucius drank glass after glass. He knew better than to ask questions but did not like the idea of watching the man drink himself stupid. Severus stared widely as Lucius pushed his glass aside and started to drink from the bottle.

"Luc, don't you think you better slow down?" Lucius pulled the bottle neck from his mouth angrily, splashing the amber-gold liquid onto the table.

"Do not call me that," he snarled. He raised the bottle to his lips again and drank deeply. Severus did not know how much Lucius had drank prior to meeting him, nor would he have liked to venture a guess. All he could concentrate on was how Lucius' eyes were now glazed and his cheeks were flushed pink.

"I hear you made a new friend," Lucius said after several tense minutes. "Remus Lupin am I correct?" Severus stared at his lap saying nothing. "Do you think that is wise? You might want to contemplate it further. You do not want certain people thinking less of you."

"No, Lucius. I do not want that."

You will stop speaking with Lupin?"

"We were never friends." Severus' stomach ached at saying this, all he ever wanted was to befriend him.

"Oh," Lucius slurred. "I was under the impression you two were spending a considerable amount of time together."

"We were," Severus mumbled as he watched Lucius struggle to place the bottle upright on the table.

"I see," Lucius shouted sarcastically, his grin and eyes wide and intimidating. "So upon the return of his friends you were cast aside?" He let out a cold laugh and then suddenly slammed his hand down on the table looking very serious.

"That is why Slytherin's stick together," Lucius growled through clenched teeth. "You don't need the likes of him to be your friend. They will drag you down, they are unworthy. And by the looks of things you've fell for one of their little pranks and now you're left looking like a fool as per usual." His harsh words etched themselves into Severus' mind and burnt like fire. He certainly felt like a fool for getting close to Remus. Feeling unable to control himself, he whimpered quietly. Lucius must have heard as his eyes shot awkwardly back and forth from Severus' face to their surroundings.

"I'm sorry," Lucius whispered as he rounded the table suddenly and sat down beside him. "Severus, I've missed you. I do not mean to be so cruel." He closed his eyes as he felt Lucius pull him close so that he leant against Lucius' chest.

Lucius rested his chin on Severus' shoulder, "I've missed you for so long." Severus could feel the warm breath against his neck and tried his best not to shiver.

"And I've missed you."

"Liar," he hissed as he pressed a possessive kiss onto Severus' neck.

"I would not dream of lying to you, Lucius."

"Good pet."

Severus gasped as he felt Lucius' teeth sink into his neck, and his tongue trailed up and down his vein playfully. Lucius released his neck and moaned, clearly enjoying Severus' reaction. All of a sudden his long pale fingers grabbed Severus' chin and turned it viciously towards him.

"I want you," Lucius whispered, their lips so agonisingly close that Severus could almost taste the whiskey on his breath.

Before he had met Lucius many years ago, Severus didn't know what gay meant, let alone participate in such activities. Even now he didn't consider himself to be gay, despite not being attracted to any other female since Lily. Even then he couldn't imagine doing anything like this with her. Lucius though had always been this way with Severus. It started innocently with Lucius accidentally brushing Severus' hand against his own and it ended with Severus giving his virginity up to him. Nobody was to know of what went on between them. If Narcissa was to find out Lucius would fall apart. Severus knew that all he would have with Lucius was seduction, which could be achieved with great ease on Lucius' part. With all these years of practise, it was almost like Lucius would trick him into bed with him.

"I need to see you," Lucius panted.

Less than ten minutes later he found himself against the wall in an alley, tangling his fingers in the blonde man's hair as Lucius tore at his belt. Lucius did not know him on a personal level but he knew every inch of Severus' body as if it were his own.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Severus found Divination lessons overwhelmingly tedious. He had no time to busy himself worrying over future events when he was having a hard enough time focusing on the here and now. It was February 14th and couples all over the school were celebrating. He found Valentine's Day sickening and considered it to be a completely pointless holiday. And yet there was a tiny part of him that wondered if Lucius had got him anything. Severus snorted sarcastically to himself and freed his mind of the silly thoughts.

The lesson grew more irritating by the second and Severus found himself glancing around the room for something to pass the time. He settled for staring at the back of Remus' head and squinted in concentration as if he could see what was going on in his brain. It had been weeks now since they had last spoke and Severus was beginning to wonder if he was invisible. Remus' head bobbed as he whispered animatedly with his three best friends. Severus leaned in closer so he could hear but he only caught certain words.

"- didn't have a clue."

"- maybe tonight?"

"- but James has Quidditch..."

Suddenly their whispers ceased and Remus, like the rest of his friends, turned to face the front. Severus sat back again and sighed. He eventually came to the conclusion they were probably making a half-cooked scheme to get James and Lily Evans alone together. Everytime Lily would always turn him down in the same sarcastic way but that never seemed to stop him. Back when Severus and Lily had been good friends, she had used the term 'playing hard to get'. Severus assumed that is exactly what she was doing with James. Severus couldn't imagine a worst waste of time.

Severus just watched absentmindedly until Sirius passed a note to Remus under the table and a low growl built itself up in Severus' throat as their hands lingered longer than necessary. Remus' shoulders shaked with suppressed laughter as Sirius raised his eyebrows suggestively. Severus chewed the inside of his lip nervously and he tried to control himself. Sirius Black was the biggest flirt in the school and made it clear that he didn't care if they were a man or a woman. Severus wondered if Sirius fancied even half the people he flirted with. But now Sirius seemed to have progressed onto his own group of friends.

It was clear to Severus that the only person Sirius really wanted was James Potter and was simply trying to make him jealous. It was also clear that James was too besotted with Lily to even question somebody else's behaviour. Apparently it was clear to everyone but Sirius, who's attempts at erupting jealousy were wasted. Although, Severus was sure though that if anybody were to look at his own expression now, that statement could be deemed arguable. His lip chewing had become fast and erratic and his eyes darted around in an attempt to distract himself. The worst thing was that other students seemed oblivious to the two boys sat in front of Severus.

"Not now, wait until later," he heard Remus whisper jokingly and he looked over in time to see him swat Sirius' hand away. Severus felt as if he were about to explode and felt even worse because he did not know why. He sank his teeth deep into the delicate skin of his lip and growled.

"Mr. Snape," called the Professor from the front of the room. "Are you feeling okay?" The whole class turned to look at him, a few craning their necks to get a better view. Remus' eyes bore into him and Severus began to blush. He quickly looked down into his lap to escape their questioning faces. It was then that he saw the reason for the professor's concern. Blood had poured from his lip and down his chin, staining the front of his shirt. He released his bottom lip from his teeth's sharp grip and more blood fell, splattering his work.

In the blink of an eye Severus had leapt to his feet, knocking several crystal balls onto the floor. He lunged forward across the table both hands outstretched and grasping for his essay in a blind panic. The small wooden table creaked under his weight and suddenly he fell head first onto the floor. His forehead began to throb painfully as shrieks of laughter echoed around him. He blinked his eyes open slowly and rolled onto his back.

He sat up slowly and carefully brushed the pieces of glass off his robes. Beside him lay the table which was now missing three of its legs. Amongst the laughter he could hear a couple of students sarcastically congratulating him. Remus wasn't laughing though, he was sat stone-faced and unblinking. Severus stared back at him desperately searching for any sign that this boy cared for him. When he saw none he closed his eyes and felt his cheeks burn a furious shade of red.

"Quiet," the Professor shrieked over the students' taunting cackles and the room fell silent. She picked her way through the mess, her long green robes swishing angrily in her stride. She reached out with her long bony hand and grabbed Severus' wrist painfully. Her beady eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of her skull and her fingernails dug deep into his skin.

"You will sit at the front from now on," she hissed through clenched teeth. She pulled him to his feet roughly. He knew there was no point arguing with her so he dusted himself off and did as she said. He sat at the very front beside a small Grryfindor boy who was now sinking low in his chair, obviously reluctant to be sat next to him.

"Now, if you have quite finished Mr. Snape, I'd like to continue." For the next half an hour he did not pay attention though, he was far too embarrassed to concentrate. He moped his bloody chin with his sleeve as he played the events back in his head. He did not understand how a cut lip could have causes such destruction and all in a matter of seconds.

A sharp twinge on the side of his head brought him out of his thoughts. He waited a few seconds and it happened again. He realised somebody was using their wand to pull his hair. It had got quite long and it now passed his shoulders by a couple of inches. He liked his hair this length, it acted just like curtains, enabling him to shut everyone else out from his emotions. Apparently, whoever was tugging his hair had noticed this because a few thick strands from the front were being pulled back almost like they were being moved by invisible hands. Severus ignored it until a particularly painful tug ripped a few hairs from the back of his head. He spun around in his chair to see James and Sirius pointing their wands at him from under their desks. They quickly hid them behind their back, their eyes fixed on a point over Severus' shoulder. There was a loud bang on his table and Severus turned slowly to see the Professor's face mere inches from his. She looked positively furious.

"Is there a problem Severus or do you simply enjoy disrupting my class?" He tried to open his mouth to speak but no sound came. "Since you have been staring at Mr. Lupin for the past hour maybe I should sit you with him and his friends next lesson."

"No," he spat out, shaking his head frantically.

"Very well," she whispered, her lips barely moving. "Then you will remain silent and facing forwards until the lesson is over. Am I perfectly clear?"

"Y-yes, of course."

The Professor had barely began teaching again when a note landed in Severus' lap. He unfolded it without looking down, trying not to arouse her suspicion. With much difficulty the note was finally open and he looked at it quickly under the table. A pink heart shone up at him on the parchment and in gold letters twinkled the name 'Remus'. It did not need a second glance because it was written in Sirius Black's unmistakable scrawl. Severus crunched the note up and span around again. He hurled it straight towards Sirius, hitting him between the eyes.

"That is it, Mr. Snape. Get out, get out, get out." And without a backwards glance Severus stormed out and headed towards the dungeons.

* * *

Severus threw himself down on the bed and resisted the urge to suffocate himself with his pillow. Instead he reached under it and brought out the diary Remus had gave him at Christmas. Even though he had not wrote in the diary he kept it hidden so that nobody would know he owned one. He retrieved a quill and ink pot from a drawer by his bed and opened the diary. Severus believed a man was a fool if he showed his emotions. In his opinion, anyone who wore their heart on their sleeves deserved to have it broken. That is why he was now holding this diary, so he could say all he wanted without letting his emotions get the better of him like they did today. He could not afford to let that happen again.

His quill hovered over the page and he watched the ink drip. The drip clung to it and leaked deep into the lines and wrinkles of the parchment. His thoughts finally felt real, no longer would he have the constant battle with his feelings. It felt like there were two different thoughts in his head, one which was constantly talking and the second which liked to justify what the other had to say. It would be a huge relief to finally rid his mind of the constant conflict.

He pressed his quill to the paper and began to write.

_My Name is Severus Snape._

_And I think I fancy Remus Lupin._

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The sun shone brightly into the window of the dormitory and Severus winced slightly as he woke. A sharp pain shot through his temples and he grasped his head tightly with both hands as if trying to hold it together. He squinted as he looked around the room, he was the only one still in bed. He brought his head back down onto the pillows and combed his fingers through his hair.

Severus assumed it was at least noon as he could hear no noise coming from the common room, meaning the others were eating in the Great Hall. It was Saturday and he didn't have any homework to do so it didn't really matter that he had awoke late today. He had spent most of the previous night writing because once he started he found it very difficult to stop and had found himself still scrawling words long into the early hours of the weekend.

His classmates laughter was still ringing in his ears from yesterday's Divination lesson. He really despised James and Sirius, he despised Pettigrew too but he was no real threat. It baffled Severus how Remus could tolerate them let alone call them his friends.

Severus' gaze fell onto an envelope on the small table beside his bed. He wondered how it had got here, but realised one of the other boys in his dormitory must have brought it up to him. He reached out and grasped it before inspecting the handwriting; it was from his mother. Tearing it open, Severus thought of all the possible things the note could say but nothing could prepare him for what he read. The letter was crumpled, the words were shaky and got smaller and smaller.

_Dear Severus,_

_I have not seen nor head from you in two months._

_All I really want is to know that you are safe and well._

_I'm sorry about your Father, I'm sure he didn't mean it._

_And even though he may not show it, he loves you very much._

_All he has ever wanted is what best for you._

_You and I both know that he'd be very angry if he knew I was writing to you._

_So let's not mention it. He doesn't mean to loose his temper._

_He does it because he loves us._

_Maybe you could apologise to him when you return in the summer?_

_For the sake of a quiet life._

_Take Care,_

_x_

"Fool," Severus grumbled and considered tearing the note to shreds. Instead, he folded the letter up and reached under his pillow for his diary. He pushed the letter inside and hid it back under his pillow. Severus had intended to eventually write to his mother but he no longer felt motivated to try and discuss their family's problems. It all seemed a bit pointless to him, all he would do is pretend to forgive his father and wait for it to all happen again. Severus did not know why his mother put up with his father. He could only guess that after all these years of his bullying, she felt worthless like nobody else would want her again.

Tobias Snape had aged her horridly and this made Severus pity her. He still remembered sitting on his mothers bed as a small child, watching her put on her make up. She'd paint her lips red and look like all those pretty women in old muggle films. Severus wondered if his mother even remembered those days. With a sigh he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He reached for his robe and tied it around himself.

The cold stone floor of the common room stung his feet as he entered and sat down in front of the fireplace to warm them. Embers spat from the flames, landing on his big toe and something began to move about in the fire.

"Ouch, Merlin." He grumbled to himself as he rubbed his sore toe. A grinning face leapt into focus in the flames.

He frowned, "Hello Lucius."

"Severus," the head gave a nod. "Are we alone?"

"Indeed we are but can we make this quick for I am in no mood for idle chit-chat."

"Very well. I thought I'd just let you know that your presence has been requested at one of my meetings." He glared at the face in the fire sceptically.

"When you say requested, you mean what exactly?"

"It was more of a command Severus."

He pinched his eyebrows together, "I see."

"Do I have your word?"

Severus hesistated but only for a second, "I will be there but may I ask why he wants me?" Severus stared as Lucius' smiled grew to an evil grin and realised he already knew the answer. "He wants to know if my mind is made up?"

"Yes, that will be it." Lucius said confidently.

"Well that remains to be seen." This cleared Lucius' expression of all happiness and he started to frown. He looked furious and scarily agitated.

"You mean to say you have not reached your decision?" His voice sounded small yet completely on the edge of loosing control.

"I didn't sa-"

"Severus," Lucius cut him off angrily." "He is not a patient man. I have covered up for you for far too long. He will not wait around any longer and nor will I." Lucius sighed, "You know the consequences for wasting his time."

"I am more than aware of the urgency surrounding this situation, Lucius. However, I must not make this decision in haste. You of all people are proof that haste leads to regrets." Lucius laughed, his face dancing menacingly in the flames.

"It is not for you to say whether my choices were good or bad." Severus watched as the man clenched his teeth together so it looked like his mouth was hardly moving. "After all you are just a mere half-blood adolescent. You are nothing but a silly problem child who enjoys wasting my time." Severus' chest tightened as anger and hurt surged through him, making his eyes sting threateningly.

Lucius all of a sudden looked sad, it was clear that he had regretted it as soon as the words fell past his lips. This however did not comfort Severus in the slightest.

"I did not mean that," Lucius said quietly, trying to remedy his mistake. "I have to go but I will see you next week my love." They exchanged one sad glance and then Severus was left staring into an empty fireplace.

* * *

Severus tore through the hallway and sprinted impatiently up the moving staircase. When he reached the top he stood at the door, his chest heaving up and down violently as he tried to catch his breath. His thoughts had been tossing and turning all night and he had finally given up trying to sleep after many hours of silent contemplation. He raised his hand to knock at the dark mahogany door when suddenly it opened inwards. Piercing amber eyes met his own and it was several seconds before either boy reacted.

"Severus," the tawny haired boy said in acknowledgement. Severus, who was caught completely off guard, gave a cold glare in return but said nothing. Remus was certainly the last person he wanted to see right now, as if he didn't have enough to think about. The boy looked slightly hurt and Severus noticed the strange emotion flicker in his eyes before Remus turned and left. Shaking it off and presuming it to be nothing Severus tried to forget it.

Through the open door he could see the Headmasters office. It was decorated in red and gold and everything seemed to gleam and sparkle up at him. A large ageing Pheonix was perched in the corner sleeping beside past Headmasters, who snoozed peacefully in their portraits. And behind the giant desk stood Albus Dumbledore.

"Come in Severus," he said, gesturing to the chair in front of him. Severus obliged and sank deep into his seat, feeling slightly relieved.

"I have been expecting you."

Severus frowned, "You have?"

Dumbledore smiled weakly at him, "Pepper Imps?" He said as he offered him a bowl of tiny black sweets. Severus shook his head politely and the Headmaster put them back down. "I'm not too fond of them either." Dumbledore sat back in his chair and hummed to himself, looking thoughtful. "I knew it was only a matter of time before somebody came forward." Severus tried his best to look confused, his mind still not made up. The Headmaster gave Severus a look that made his stomach squirm. Even though he was old, kind and trusting, Albus Dumbledore was no fool.

Severus shifted awkwardly in his seat, "I do not understand Professor." His throat was dry and his tongue seemed to stick to the rough of his mouth with each word. He didn't sound convincing at all but all Dumbledore did was give a half-nod, looking dissapointed.

"If Mr. Malfoy thinks he can go about this situation undetected, he is very much mistaken." He began to panic and Dumbledore noticing this, smiled at him apologetically.

"I'm still not sure I get your meaning Professor," he lied.

"You're not in any trouble Severus. Quite the opposite in fact." Dumbledore slid a piece of parchment across the desk towards him and Severus read it, his eyes growing wide. He glanced up at Dumbledore who was now looking very serious.

"I have a proposition for you. A way out should you requite it..."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The month of March was fast approaching and the workload grew bigger and bigger. Students walked through the halls with their noses buried deep in a book, dodging each other as they went. Some students scribbled notes on napkins and spare pieces of parchment to test themselves throughout the days. And some others were faced with having little to no social life at all for the up-coming months. Severus was one of the lucky ones. He seemed to do well in most subjects and had been prepared for weeks. But he knew he shouldn't get too cocky so he still studied hard like the rest of his classmates. Because, truth be told, he was more than a little nervous about the exams.

The Library was packed full today. Students from younger years were huddled in small groups gossiping idly. And third and fourth years were sniggering at the older students who searched frantically for the right book. Severus could barely move right now, he stood elbow-to-elbow with other seventh years, their beady eyes screwed up in concentration. Every now and then, somebody would push through the crowd or grab a book, sending one student crashing into the next like a line of falling dominoes.

Severus struggled to remain upright, he leant his hand on somebody's shoulder as he searched the shelves. Running his finger down the spines of the covers, he muttered the titles as he went. From behind him he could just about make out somebody calling his name. Turning slightly, he matched the voice with an annoying Ravenclaw boy who was shouting over the crowd.

"What?" He barked, thoroughly irritated at being disturbed.

"Could you pass me _Magical Mediterranean Water-Plants_?" The boy pointed over the mass of students, "Seventh one along." Severus counted them and reached for the correct book. He pulled but it wouldn't budge. Gripping it harder, he tried with all his strength to pull it out. He realised it wasn't going to move and was about to forget about it when something soft brushed the back of his hand.

Long pale fingers reached out from the other side of the bookcase and clasped over his own. He swatted the hand away and pulled the book free.

"Ha, you were too slow." He snarled triumphantly at the hand that was now reaching through the gap and feeling around blindly.

The hand froze, "Severus?" Came a familiar silky voice from the other side. All of a sudden it was like all of Severus' limbs had gone rigid and he dropped everything he was holding. Then another hand was joining the first, but it was larger, darker and harrier than the other. It had a hard time getting through the small gap but when it did, the fingers pulled at his robes.

"Oi, Snivelly. Give Remus his book back." In complete shock, it took him a moment to realise that the other hand belonged to Sirius Black. Severus backed up quickly, pulling his robes free from Sirius' grasp. He pushed back into the crowd behind him, many of them shoved him in different directions and he could hear them all complaining.

"What are you doing?"

"Watch where you're going."

* * *

The dormitory was eerily silent apart from the scratching of Severus' quill.

_I am beginning to wonder if my soul purpose in life_

_is to embarrass myself for other people's entertainment._

_Why is it that whenever I'm around him I resort to a babbling wreck?_

_I have pondered and pondered and there simply is no logical explanation._

_Minutes slip into hours and hours into days. Days into weeks and weeks into months_

_My brain feels infected, almost diseased._

_But nothing can make me forget the decision I must make._

_If he were to know... Would he think less of me?_

He closed the diary with a snap and shoved it violently under his pillow. He flipped himself over onto his back with a sigh. Writing seemed to help him when he got in this state. Thoughts seemed to swim about in his mind endlessly and he was sure it would drive him mad if it didn't stop soon.

Remus seemed to plague his conscience day and night. Guilt over powered him more often than not.

"Nox." The wand light died out and Severus eventually fell into fitful sleep.

It wasn't long before he awoke suddenly to the sound of his stomach growling angrily at him. It had felt like he had only been asleep for a few seconds. His eyes stung and his joints cracked, almost like they were taunting him. He rubbed at his eyelids frustratedly and blinked around the dark room. Throught the gap in the bed's curtains he could see the other boys sleeping peacefully in their own beds. His stomach growled again and Severus realised just how hungry he was. It had been several days since he had eaten a proper meal and now his body was finally protesting.

His stomach felt scarily empty, which made him light headed and he wondered if he was about to be sick. Clutching his hand over his mouth, he sat up quickly and reached past the curtain openings. Feeling around in the dark for his wand proved difficult so when his touch found the bedside table, he stretched out and grabbed the next best thing; a Chocolate Frog. He tore at the wrapper greedily and discarded it to the floor.

The chocolate tasted so exquisite in his mouth as it melted slowly on his tongue. It smelt exactly like Remus and Severus tried his best to ignore that fact but mental images had already began to flood his mind. Fighting to control himself, he forced his mind onto other topics such as the Death Eaters. He'd spent all night worried about them but now the worry wouldn't stick around for a brief moment to distract him. He devoured the chocolate slowly, savouring the taste as much as he possibly could. All of his senses were heightened as the last of it lingered on his taste buds. All too soon it was gone and he was left yet again feeling empty.

He growled loudly and buried his face deep into his pillow. Severus couldn't believe he had come to this point. There was a time when he mocked the other students for getting this way over another human being. He had spent hours complaining to Lucius about fools who allowed their heart to be captured by others. He now felt like a hypocrite. After all, Severus and Remus were the same. Severus didn't have the monthly problem that Remus had, but other than that they were the same. They were both human, both wizards and both teenage boys. They went to the same school and they still showered, ate and slept just like every other student.

Severus had to ask himself a lot of questions, such as, why he put Remus on this pedestal and why did he worship him the way he did. And he had to ask himself the question that bothered him the most.

Why did his heart beat faster because he knew Remus would be strolling corridors on prefect duty at that very moment?

Severus had no answers.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Good morning sleeping beauty."

Severus opened one eye lazily in a feeble attempt to search for the sudden intrusion. He could hardly see an inch in front of his face. He blinked a few times to make everything come into focus and he was able to see Lucius lying on his side at the bottom of his bed.

"Wha?" Severus mumbled sleepily and only barely coherent.

"I said good morning," Lucius replied as he lit a cigar. Looking around the room, he could see it was empty apart from the two of them. He sat up and propped himself up on his pillows. Lucius was staring a him hungrily and Severus promptly pulled the bed sheets up to his chin.

"What are you doing here?"

Lucius took a long drag on his cigar before answering and blew the smoke into his face. "Dumbledore asked to see me. He was dropping hints the whole time as if to say he knew what was going on. Old fool... He gave me permission to come talk with you, said I could wait in the common room. But you know how impatient I can get." He paused to take another drag, "He doesn't know anything does he Severus?"

Severus swallowed hard, "Completely clueless." He had attempted to sound confident but he was sure his voice had betrayed him. Nevertheless, Lucius let out a deep chuckle and puffed on his cigar happily.

"What is it that you wished to discuss with me?" He asked sheepishly, biting his bottom lip.

"I need a reason now?"

"There are usually only two things you come to see me for." Lucius laughed as he exhaled the thick dark smoke and ash fell onto Severus' bed sheets.

"Alas, good friend. You know me too well." Lucius paused for a brief moment as if considering his body language. "You did not attend the meeting. Lucky for you, My Lord has been out of sorts lately and requests you attend the next one with no hard feelings."

His eyes widened, "He is not mad?" His voice was small and tainted with fear.

"Apparently not. As it seems, you are of great use to him. That is, if your mind is finally made up." Severus gave a stiff nod in reply.

"Splendid," Lucius exclaimed. "I shall pass on the good news. You shan't regret this." He was moving closer towards Severus with every word, looking like an animal ready to pounce. "Let's stop talking business." Lucius reached out and squeezed his knee, "There are more pressing matters that need attending to."

Flinging the bedsheets off himself, he had managed to push Lucius away at the same time. "I've got to go," He mumbled as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He summoned his robes towards him and started to undress. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the older boy watching him. "Lucius, stop it." He turned his back on him and started to pull his school clothes on.

"Oh, stop being so serious," he drawled aristocratically from his position behind him. Severus turned and prised the cigar from his grip before stubbing it out on the bed post.

"I really have to go, I have double Potions."

"With the Gryfindors?" Severus nodded. "Good luck, you've missed half of it."

"You've got to be joking," he spluttered and began to stumble around the room collecting his books. Lucius sat on the bed watching him clearly amused.

"This is the first time you've been late. What is another ten minutes going to matter?" Severus fought his way into his trousers, choosing to ignore the blonde man sat on his bed. He allowed him to finish dressing in silence but the moment Severus went to retrieve his bag, skinny fingers closed around his wrist, stopping him. His black eyes met ice-grey and they held each others stare intensely.

"You're mine aren't you, Severus?" Lucius said, his voice only a whisper.

"Always." It was the answer that he knew Lucius had to hear. Saying anything else would have been disastrous. And his reward for this blatant lie was a small smile. It was easier if he kept Lucius happy and he knew he had done just that as the tall blonde pressed a possessive kiss onto Severus' brow.

* * *

The hallways were deadly quiet, all the students were clearly hard at work behind the closed doors. Severus was able to walk to Potions completely undisturbed and considering his current state it was probably best his journey stayed that way. In his rush to dress himself he had missed a few buttons on his shirt and had put on yesterday's socks by mistake. His fingers fumbled with the buttons as he tried to balance his bag on his shoulder unsuccessfully.

As he walked past a window he caught sight of his reflection and hastily combed his fingers through his hair. Standing outside the classroom, Severus gave his reflection a quick glance over. When he was satisfied it was the best he could have hoped for he pushed open the door. He was greeted by a sea of students' heads, all turning around, clearly curious to who was arriving this late into a lesson. At the front of the room Professor Slughorn was smiling broadly at him from his desk.

"Sleep late, Severus?" He asked as he drew himself to his feet, one pudgy hand resting on his protruding belly as he did so. He was a short fat man with a balding head and a large moustache. Severus always considered him as 'jolly' but did not like him any more than the other Professors. Slughorn was well known for choosing favourites and Severus happened to be one of them although he wasn't sure why.

He took his usual seat in the third row and waited for the lesson to resume. It appeared that for the first part of the lesson the students had just been taking notes, so Severus hadn't missed out on much.

"Today we will be reversing love potions." There were a few murmurs around the room and Slughorn shook his head before speaking again. "It's not your standard love potion we will be attempting to reverse. To add insult to injury, a deliberate mistake has been made. You will need to take extra care in your reversing. The potion will be at the front of the class for you all to observe over the next three days. That is how long you have to perfect it, three days." He took a seat at his desk and thumbed his way through a large book, "Turn to page 336 for instructions and the ingredients are on the board. You will work in pairs." As soon as the last sentence fell out his mouth, Severus' heart sank. A loud rumble of chatter broke out in the room as students chose their partners and the sound of chairs being slid against the floor as students went to join different tables.

Doing a quick count of the students, Severus realised he was the only one without a partner. He also realised something else as he looked around the room; Remus wasn't there. The full moon wasn't for at least another two weeks and Remus never usually missed lessons.

It must have appeared like Severus had been staring as he heard Sirius whisper to James, "Got yourself an admirer." He felt his cheeks tinge red and he looked away. He buried his head in the pages of his book but still found himself questioning Remus' whereabouts.

"Not got a partner?" Slughorn said, bouncing on the balls of his feet beside Severus' desk. Severus shook his head and pretended to read over the instructions in the book. "Not to worry m'boy, I imagine you'll do fine just the same," he said before walking off to watch over Lily Evans and Peter Pettigrew. At that precise moment the door opened at the back and Slughorn's face lit up.

"Oho," he exclaimed happily. "Looks like you wont have to work on your own after all Severus. That's if Mr. Lupin has no objections."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The first of April really did live up to everyone's expectations. Pranks were being pulled all over Hogwarts and Severus had made sure he was as far away as possible from his usual tormentors. Even though April showers beat down on the ground hard, Severus was thankful as he trudged into Hogsmeade with the other students. He was still not sure what he'd rather be doing though. On one hand, he was bracing the weather to meet a group of unsavoury men but on the other he was glad he wasn't about to be crammed into Zonko's Joke Shop just like the rest of them. Deep down he knew he had no choice but to follow instructions.

As they reached the high street Severus took a sharp left turn, trusting that in this crowd his absence would not be noted. Compared to the high street of Hogsmeade this road looked like a totally different place. It was shadowed, narrow and old fashioned. His footsteps echoed about him menacingly and he quickened his pace.

Ahead of him a cloaked figure stepped into view; he was dressed from head to foot in black robes and his face was half covered by his hood. As Severus drew nearer a familiar scent greeted him and it caused him to frown.

"I knew it was you," he said coming to a halt in front of the cloaked figure. "Somewhere off the beaten track you said."

"You're late," the man growled from under the hood, his lips only just visible.

"Lucius, I got away as fast as possible."

"Lies," Lucius stated simply and he stood quiet and unmoving. The smell of whiskey was strong on his breath.

"You've been drinking," Severus noted but got no reply. Severus bit his lip nervously, unsure if he could see him. Lucius held out another set of black robes.

"It would not be wise to be seen with me in your current attire." Severus nodded and took them from the older boy. "Put them over your school clothes," Lucius ordered and Severus obeyed. Once dressed he stood staring up at Lucius awaiting his approval. The older boy's cold glare fell over him half heartedly as if bored by the situation.

"Take my arm," Severus obeyed and before he could blink he felt his body become weightless. His limbs felt squashed and a horrible popping sound filled his ears. When he opened his eyes he was stood outside an old run down house. If he didn't know any better he would have presumed this house had been empty for some time. His heart sank as he glanced around the street and saw that none of the other houses looked this way. This had indeed been a Muggle's house up until recently.

"Well," Lucius said with his foot in the doorway. "What are you waiting for?" Severus mumbled something incoherent in return and followed him inside quickly. "Idiot boy," Lucius snarled as Severus stumbled over the threshold. The smell of blood and dirt overwhelmed his senses and he threw Lucius a panicked stare that wasn't returned. As they made their way down some stone steps he could make out the sounds of laughter and celebration in the distance. At the bottom of the steps way a dark wooden door that looked aged and rotting. It loomed closer with each step and Lucius was hanging back a few steps as if trying to test his nerve.

At the bottom they stood facing the door with the laughter booming through it even louder than before. It felt like it was burning his ears and he imagined that if he stared at the door long enough it would shake with the noise. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but it just came back up and filled him with the urge to vomit.

"Lucius please," he whispered, grabbing him by his robes and balling them into his fists.

He threw Severus a glare as if he was something unpleasant he had stepped in, "My Lord has no time for your fear." And with that he pushed Severus through the doorway. The laughter stopped abruptly and he bent his head low to hide from the sight of many cloaked figures facing him.

"Lucius, there you are," exclaimed a man in a raspy voice. "You've been gone an awfully long time, Mcnair was starting to worry." Severus stole a wary glance at both men. The man who had been speaking appeared to be wearing robes that were too small but as he looked around he saw that the man was a lot bigger than the others. He was sipping from a glass of what appeared to be red wine while he elbowed a man beside him who Severus assumed to be Mcnair.

"Was he really?" Lucius drawled sounding slightly amused. "He should really learn to think before he opens his mouth, otherwise he might sound desperate." Everyone in the room laughed except Severus which earned him a lot of suspicious glares.

"What have you brought for me Lucius?" Said the big man, setting down his glass and staring and Severus intensely.

"No lunch today Fenrir." Lucius warned, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Just a new face in our circle of friends."

"So be it," said the man called Fenrir as he picked up his glass again and shot Lucius an icy glare."Why must you tease me so?" Severus stared at the floor, not wishing to be eaten alive. But Lucius cackled coldly at his side, clearly finding this pointless banter amusing.

"I did not tease you, you merely assumed." Lucius took a seat in a large overstuffed arm chair and retrieved a cigar from his pocket. "This is Severus," he introduced lazily as he lit his cigar and took a drag. "He's a very gifted seventh year Slytherin."

"A young one," exclaimed Fenrir. "Yet he is not mine to devour?"

"Not today anyway," Lucius mumbled as he waved his hand dismissively. "He has recently been paired with Remus Lupin in Potions." For a second Severus was about to worry himself over silly thoughts of why this was appropriate until he realised what had been said. His head snapped up so quickly that his hood fell backwards, revealing his face.

"How did y-"

"Hold your tongue foolish boy," Lucius snarled. In this atmosphere nobody could have been able to tell that they were supposed to be lovers. Severus pulled his hood back up as he felt everybody's eyes on him. "Fenrir," Lucius began again. "Do you remember little Remus Lupin?" Severus glanced up towards them in time to see Fenrir licking his lips hungrily.

"How could I not? He was too much fun." Severus' blood ran cold as everything began to make sense. Fenrir was obviously the werewolf who had turned Remus as a child. Before he had time to panic the whole room fell silent and the door behind him creaked open. Lucius threw him a stern glare and Severus hurried to his side.

There was no words to describe his appearance, Severus shuddered at the feeling of just his presence. "Welcome all," said a high pitched voice. Severus refused to look any higher but the man's knees. Everyone in the room was quiet and standing slightly bowed as a sign of deep respect. "Lucius fetch the Muggles," the strange voice ordered. Lucius stood up beside him and Severus made a grab for his hand but he just got a palm full of air as Lucius swept from the room.

"I believe we have extra numbers today," the voice noted in a whispering hiss. "Show yourselves." Severus stepped forward as did two other cloaked figures.

He watched them for encouragement but they seemed just as unsure as he did. "You arms," he commanded and Severus coppied the other's by rolling up his sleeve. At that moment the door burst open and Lucius came in holding the wrists of a young woman and a small boy. He threw them carelessly at Voldemort's feet. The woman flung herself over the boy in a desperate act of protection. She was sobbing uncontrollably and the boy remained silent in absolute fear. With a flick of Lucius' wand, a man's body drifted through the door and landed in a heap with the two other Muggles.

"One for each of you," Voldemort hissed, his voice rattling and strange behind his own cloak. The young woman began screaming and pulling at the man who appeared to be tied with invisible bonds. She tore at them uselessly for a moment before sobbing at Severus' feet exhaustedly. She crawled on her knees towards him pathetically.

"Wands at the ready." His eyes fixed onto Lucius who was staring a the victims coldly. It was like he didn't even care. Severus had never seen him look quite like this before. Silently he pleaded for him to look back but it never happened.

"I'd like it if Severus went first," Lucius announced and Voldemort smiled in approval.

"That is also what I was hoping for," Voldemort swept towards him and Severus used all his will power to not cower away. Cold hands clasped around his forearm and Severus took the guidance to draw his wand. The grip loosened on him and he pointed his wand at the womanly shakily. This was it, there was no turning back, if he didn't kill her, he would be dead. Severus gritted his teeth together and stared into Lucius grey eyes as he pointed the wand down at the woman on the floor.

"Avada Kedavra." His world closed in on him and he felt a cold curtain of darkness envelope him but distantly he could still hear the sound of a lifeless body hitting the ground.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Ever since the meeting with the Death Eaters, Severus had claimed to be ill and had spent the majority of a week in the infirmary. Lucius had sent him countless letters which lay unopened at his bedside. Severus had hardly slept or spoke since the meeting. Instead, he lay there staring up at the ceiling, his mind playing tricks on him by making images out of the shadows. He only left the bed when he needed to, mostly to take obsessive showers where he would scrub at his skin until it was red raw. Racked with guilt, he made sure he averted his eyes away from his left forearm. His once milky white skin was now tainted as a reminder of the crime he had committed. Every now and then it would tingle and itch but he would pick up his diary and scribble nonsense until the strange sensation left again.

During his stay in the Hospital Wing rumours had spread like wild fire about Severus' strange behaviour. He had overheard a couple of students discussing it and apparently most presumed he was simply avoiding working with Remus in Potions. But when Slughorn had heard Severus was feeling 'under the weather' he extended the time in which they had to complete the assignment. In truth, he did not even know if he could face Remus.

Today for instance, here he lay in bed in the infirmary with the curtains closed to shut out the world. The bed sheets were pulled right up to his chin and he lay on his side embracing himself pathetically.

"Severus?" Called a voice distantly. "You have another letter."

Groaning, Severus sat up slowly. "Lucius yet again?" It had been days since he last spoke and his voice sounded hoarse and unrecognisable.

"I don't think so," the nurse called back intrigue evident in her voice. "Mr. Lupin I believe." His heart skipped a beat and for a brief moment he sat perfectly still. "I'll put it with the others shall I?"

"No," he exclaimed as he sprang from the bed and began tearing the curtains open. The nurse stared back in shock. "It may be important," he said quickly in a lame attempt to disguise his eagerness. He took it from her with shaking hands and smiled weakly in appreciation. She raised one eyebrow sceptically before bustling off about her business and leaving him to his own devices. Sitting down slowly, he stared blankly at the envelope as if it was all a dream and he was about to wake up at any moment. When that moment didn't come he unfolded the letter as carefully as possible as if his touch could destroy it.

_Severus,_

_I know you are feeling unwell but we must finish this potion._

_If you are not able to make it to class then maybe we should meet._

_Are you free after lessons this evening? 7pm perhaps?_

_Remus._

His eyes scanned the page hungrily as he felt blindly around his belongings for a quill. Hastily, he wrote a simple 'Yes' and ran to the windowsill. An owl was snoozing there softly and as Severus approached she gave a deafening squawk as she awoke with a start. "Sorry, but Remus needs to get this letter," he explained as he attached it with great difficulty. As soon as he was finished the owl took flight out of the open window and soared in the direction of Gryfindor tower.

* * *

Severus found that being out of the Hospital Wing was strange. It would take him at least a few more days to get into the habit of waking up early and attending his lessons. Thankfully, the hallways were virtually empty as he made his way towards the dungeons. He read over Remus' letter repeatedly and had to stop himself when he caught himself analysing the boy's handwriting. He knew it was foolish because he had a rush of excitement every time he read over his own name in Remus' ink. For some reason his name looked more defined than any of the other words. Shaking off his stupidity, Severus pushed open the door to the classroom that Remus had informed him would be empty.

Inside was exactly as he had said it would be. In fact, thick sheets of dust were covering every visible surface. At the front of the room Severus could see a pile of books set out neatly beside a tray of ingredients. Remus had clearly arrived before him but was now nowhere in sight. With a sigh, Severus flung himself into the chair only barely registering a book that lay open at the opposite end of the table. He did a double take and saw that a slip of parchment lay in between the pages with the same neat curving handwriting that he had been studying for hours. Letting curiosity get the better of him, he reached out and dragged the book closer. He had appeared to have put a lot of effort into researching their topic.

"You're early Severus," he heard Remus call from the back of the room. In his shock he had almost toppled out of his chair. Thinking quickly he decided to mask this by turning in his seat as he stealthily pushed the book as far away from him as possible. Although out the corner of his eye he could see a large streak across the table where he had moved it through the dust. "You must be eager," Remus said as he grew nearer and he began to eye the marks on the table suspiciously. "Are you feeling better?" He asked as he took a seat beside him. The joy he felt being spoke to directly by Remus was overwhelming. Momentarily he forgot that it was not a usual occurrence and he let a grin play across his features. He was not entirely sure if the other boy had noticed but nevertheless Severus forced it away and resumed his icy glare.

"My punctuality should be of no concern to you Mr. Lupin nor should my personal health."

Remus visibly cringed, "No matter." He chose a book from the pile, keeping his eyes fixed away from his. "Let's just concentrate on the Potion then if you wish." Severus froze, taken aback by the reaction he had received. It took him several seconds to get his mind around the fact that Remus had actually wanted to discuss things other than their work. Feeling more foolish than ever, Severus buried his face in his hands hoping that his embarrassment would be mistaken for exhaustion.

"I'll get the equipment." Remus insisted, his words quick and his voice wavering. Severus pretended to ignore him as he rose from his seat and stepped around him. Less than a minute later he had returned with many vials amongst other items that were overflowing from his grip. Instead of helping him Severus looked on in amusement as he struggled to set up the equipment. After watching his third failed attempt to light a fire under the cauldron he decided it was time to intervine.

Flashing him a coy smile he spoke deeply, "Are you sure you can you handle that all by yourself Mr. Lupin?" His tone was so intimidating it even surprised himself and he had spoke so loud that Remus could not pretend he had not heard. The boy's cheeks tinged a violent shade of red as he began to fumble with his notes nearly dropping them all over the floor.

"Calm down," Severus warned, albeit softly. The reply he got was not similar however. Remus slammed his stuff down on the table as he stared intensely into Severus' eyes.

"Why must you be so difficult." He hissed in a low whisper, tears almost brimming in his eyes. Severus sat there staring back unable to say a word. He didn't even need to think of a retort because Remus' voice came again this time louder and more bitter. "I've tried to be kind to you, oh believe me I've tried. And I seem to get nothing back."

"Oh, please..." Severus said with a chuckle but his anger was rising. "You never went out of your way to be kind to me so I'd appreciate it if you kept your sob story to yourself." Hurt flashed up in Remus' eyes and he thumped his fist on the table angrily.

"I spent all of my Christmas with you-"

"And after that?" He said cutting across him but Remus clearly was not listening.

"I was hoping you'd let down your defences a bit. This friendship thing has to work both ways Severus."

"Friendship? This is the first conversation we have had in four months." Now it was Remus' turn to be silent, he stood there staring with his chest rising and falling with rapid breathing. "You never showed up that day." Severus continued, his voice cracking. "I waited."

"How could I? My friends were coming back and it doesn't take a genius to work out that you and them don't see eye to eye."

"You should have been a man. You should have told them we were friends." Severus sneered at him, "You need to stand up to them Remus."

"Coming from you?" Remus shrieked looking positively hysterical as he stepped closer to Severus. "Your the one that gets bossed around by everyone that crosses your path. All Malfoy has to say is jump and you say how high." Both boys were standing so close that their noses grazed each others. They stood perfectly still with anger radiating from their bodies and hurt burning deep in their eyes.

Severus let his mouth fall open ready to say everything he wanted to say since the day they had met. Instead, came two words that fell past his lips effortlessly; "I'm sorry." And with a sweep of black robes he was fleeing the room.


End file.
